"the girl and her fig tree"

30 April 2026

I think God spoke to me today.

This week has been a very long week for me. Long days of waking up early to begin my training, followed by a full day of work (which thanks to the rain this week, was made much busier), and then activities/events afterwards before bed. 

I almost didn't go to Bible study tonight. I've been keeping myself pretty busy these past few months, and feel like I am in need of a break. But just as I was about to cancel, I grabbed my things and headed out the door. 

We were given a sheet of paper with the different names of God; some were in English, some were in other languages, and we were to go through the list and pick out the one that spoke to us. For me, that was "Guide", and when I was explaining why, I said "because I have felt lost for so long... like I am on a boat in the middle of the ocean, with no compass, no map, no north star, and I have no idea where to go". 

The girl next to me touched on what I had said, and began talking about this story called "the girl and the fig tree", and how there is a girl and a fig tree and each fig on the tree is a possibility... an opportunity... a different life. And the story goes that she was so paralyzed by all of the figs that she couldn't pick one, and then one by one, they began to rot and fall from the tree. Her inability to pick a fig - to pick one out of the many paths in life - cost her all of them.

I googled it when I got home, and came across this story written by someone else named Nev about the same story and the author, Sylvia Plath. And the story, written by Nev, was a story of resemblance and identity, feelings of hope and despair, and the theme of "there's not enough time". 

As I was reading, I was overwhelmed with emotion, because I felt the same way. I can see so many possible futures, so many possible outcomes... but I also know that if I choose one, there's a very low likelihood of being able to choose another. Some of these possibilities would take years to accomplish.. and I want to make them all a reality. 

I don't know why I reacted the way I did - which was to cry. I think in reading this story that someone else wrote about themselves, not even knowing who this person is, I felt visible... but also, that I'm not alone. 

In their story, Nev includes a quote by Doc Luben, "How do we forgive ourselves for all the things we did not become?", and reading that really hit hard for me. Because there are so many things I want to be...and it is so, so incredibly hard for me to accept that it may not be possible. In my mind, I still feel like a little girl in school, learning about everything I could do and be, and visualizing myself as all of these things. 

How do we forgive ourselves for all the things we did not become? How do I forgive myself for choosing one path over another... one possible happiness over a possible failure?

But, on a deeper note... how would I forgive myself for not even trying at all.... for never reaching for a fig, and seeing where it takes me.

Nev finishes the story by stating, "Maybe I can’t have every fig on my fig tree. And that’s okay. But instead of letting them all rot because I cannot bear to choose, maybe, just maybe, if I act quickly enough, I can snatch a few. Hold three or four or five or ten ripe figs of possibility and opportunity close to my chest and devour them. Savor the sweetness of their experiences. And although it won’t be the basketful that my childhood self had wished for, it will be enough".

And maybe, just maybe, I can do the same... grab onto a few, and hold them ever so close. Take a passionate bite, savor every bit of that fig. 

Breathe it in.

Experience it fully. 

And maybe...just maybe, that forgiveness won't feel as heavy. 

If you’d like to also read the story by Nev, here’s the link: https://medium.com/the-silent-script/sylvia-plaths-fig-tree-analogy-lives-rent-free-in-my-soul-e0c4a8348bd1